Like many people I find myself either overqualified or lacking the experience required by employers.
After applying for a bunch of jobs with no responses I got bored and decided to start writing ridiculous cover letters.
These are all real cover letters I have sent to real job listings, any responses I receive will of course be posted.
If you have any suggestions of jobs I should apply for feel free to drop me a link by clicking on APPLY FOR THIS JOB below.
Head of Customer Experience
£52,800 - £69,300 per annum
Job type: Permanent, part-time
More jobs from AXA
Sun Life Direct are the market leading direct to consumer business who sell affordable and accessible protection and savings products direct to those within the UK mass market. We are one of the most experienced direct marketing companies in the life assurance sector and have the largest share of the over 50 whole of life market.
We currently have an exciting opportunity for a Head of Customer Experience to join us on a Fixed Term Contract. In this role you will be responsible for leading and developing the customer experience, customer research and customer insight teams by providing a vision to ensure Sun Life Direct (SLD) is at the forefront of the AXA UK customer relationship management initiatives and delivering for the customer. You will be accountable for leading continuous improvements to the business’ customer focus and developing customer relationship management strategies to deliver sales, profit and customer targets.
Insight strategies for data analysis, modelling, research and competitor intelligence to drive marketing communications strategies and targeting to increase average product holding, retention and customer and contact profitability Lead the development and implementation of customer retention and loyalty strategy, developing long term customer relationships based on trust and maximising future sales potential Continuous improvements of the end-to-end customer service experience as well as maximising opportunities for retention and sales activity based on inbound customer contact triggers Drive systems, data and platform developments to facilitate greater customer centricity across the business Develop and implement a customer contact framework to support the annual marketing plan to target product, price and channel propositions to optimise spend efficiency and maximise profit Work cross functionally to deliver a high quality customer experience across the business, advising on customer requirements and influencing customer focused outcomes Work with Head of Distribution to develop and deliver a customer contact plan with focus on increasing customer retention and cross sells
To ensure that all customer programmes are properly managed with appropriate financial, compliance and regulatory controls
Skills, knowledge and behaviour
High level of direct marketing and strategic customer relationship management experience
Knowledge and experience of implementing complex strategies, segmentation and optimisation techniques
Strong influencing & negotiation skills
Numerate and analytical
Proven Leadership skills with experience of managing teams
Cross functional team working
Confident decision maker
Results driven with an understanding of the Financial Services industry
What will you get from this role?
28 days holiday
Private Medical Insurance
Company car allowance
Hello lovely people at AXA Sunlife,
I well remember your adverts with that old bird in constant rotation on mid-morning television, you know your demographic, so ingrained is it in to my consciousness that I’ll at least 30% sure I could recite it word for word.
I must say the term ‘life market’ strikes me as one of the most unsettling terms I have ever read. By saying that there is a life market implies that you’re marketing to anyone living, which essentially you are. But seriously that’s insane, only the human race could come up with a concept so far removed from any essence of living.
The first thing that struck me about this position was the phase, in bold, ‘fixed term contract’, as the company that holds the largest share of the over 50 ‘life market’ you are clearly well aware of how this fragile mortal coil has a predisposition for death. By chance is the term of the contract fixed to the life of the successful applicant?
The person that wrote the job posting seems to have gone a little bit insane as I have no idea what the role actually entails, given that, I am even more assured that I am far outreaching any initial expectations you have of the successful applicant. I would like to draw your attention to a few of my favourite words and phrases from the ‘description’ of the role.
Modelling – not something I’ve been asked to do before but I can show you a few faces I’ve been working on that I’m sure would work well in a multitude of marketing campaigns.
Research and competitor intelligence to drive marketing communications strategies and targeting to increase average product holding – that right there is a mouth full, I’ve seen full job descriptions entailing less work than that. Given that this is just one aspect of this role one would assume you are also looking for a candidate with the powers to bend time and space. Whilst I unfortunately do not possess such powers, I have been working on a device that would enable time travelling of sorts. It’s based on a unique combination of a Toblerone, a wheelie-bin and several bottles of red wine. I think what you’re trying to get at here is that you want the person to be a spy in order to get competitor intelligence. Whilst I have little formal experience with espionage I have placed an advert on Craig’s List and had a number of successful investigations, mostly involving spouses suspecting each other of cheating and a lot of getting stoned, my rates are very reasonable.
Customer retention – what struck me about this was my surprise at its’ inclusion; given that your target demographic is the mentally infirm, I would assumed you would have little problem in ensuring their commitment to something they can barely remember. If this is a serious issue rest assured I will focus on a calling potential customers pre-medication, when they are at their least mentally stable and when they are alone and vulnerable, there’s nothing like having pesky grandchildren showing them ‘logic’.
Drive systems – how fun does that sound? Driving around with systems, like a massive carnival float, preying on the elderly.
Influencing customer focused outcomes – in my mind the outcome should always focus on the customer; focusing on getting more money out of the customer.
When it comes to skills, knowledge and behaviour, I have none. I’m like an empty bottle waiting to be filled with that sweet, sweet honey. My experience with ‘direct marketing’ or ‘spam’ as I like to call it, extends to putting it in the recycling or making it into origami penguins. My knowledge of complex segmentation extends to, but not limited by, Terry’s ‘Segsastions’ they are a complex optimisation tool if ever I have seen one.
I tried to read one of Derren Brown’s books once to learn how to influence people but I bought Dan Brown by mistake, needless to say that’s a week of my life I’m never getting back. I do love analytics; anything if shown in graph form is instantly more interesting. Just look at this bad boy:
As for proven leadership skills, I think you’ll find the fact that I unlocked the achievement for MVP on Battlefield 3 as proof enough; in fact I would generally use this as proof of most of the skills you’re looking for. Cross functional team working, sniper and an engineer, done. Confident decision maker, ‘kill them all!’; Results driven, check the leader board with each respawn, done.
I’m thrilled that you feel that you need to provide me incentives and bonuses for this role, I mean given what I’m bringing to the table I think that’s only fair.
Well let me tell you it was tough enough just to on to your website, it just kept crashing, if that was the first part of the test consider it passed ;).
I would love to work for MI5 and be a bad ass spy. Terrorism, espionage and sabotage are my favourite things, not to do obviously, unless you want me to. Looking at my CV you may wonder what the hell I’m doing applying for a job as an explosives/IED specialist; truth is I just think stuff exploding is pretty cool. I wouldn’t say that makes me a specialist but with my work ethic and determination I could be in a week, maybe two.
I wouldn’t say I’m a professional explosives or ammunition, but then who is? That just doesn’t make sense. Any bombs or stuff you want me to check out I can do a quick Google of. In that respect I guess I’m more of what you’d call a ‘generalist’ rather than a specialist, unless that is something to do with being a general, something I am not nor have I ever been.
Happily one of the things I’m well good at is analysing intelligence, I can look at someone and within a good 10-12 seconds know if they’re retarded or not. Making things coherent may be a bit trickier as I myself am pretty scatter brained. I shouldn’t worry too much about the non-technical colleagues, by which I take it to be a euphemism for old people, they’ll be dead soon. I have been told on a number of occasions that my oral skills are exceptional and I have no problem in whipping up a quick powerpoint.
Spot the difference on diagrams of circuits is not something I’ve done, normally I tend to stick to erotic spot the difference, but whatever floats your boat. Having played a bunch of battlefield 3 I should be pretty well versed at identifying military and commercial small arms, providing they’re either American or Russia, anything else and I’m at a loss.
That seems to cover the main skills you’re looking for, as for the person, that’d be me. Luckily I don’t come from a military background nor hold any qualification in ammunition or explosives. There is no way I have 10 years’ experience, if that were the case I’d have had to start disarming bombs at 14, I couldn’t even manage to get a paper round let alone put my life at risk for under a fiver an hour. Also I haven’t worked in an intelligence-driven environment; most of the people I’ve worked for have been morons. If anything I’ve worked in stupidity-driven environments. Personally I think that makes me more qualified to have come through those organisations unscathed.
If I’m to be on an on-call rota the only way I’ll do it is if I have a special little phone that when it rings plays Kings Of Leon ‘On Call’ or Blondie’s ‘Call Me’, it can switch between the two that’s fine. I must say I am a bit of a loss as to how one remains enthusiastic and remain calm, when I get excited I go all high-pitched and gesticulate a lot.
And as for the guaranteed interview thing for being disabled, I don’t have a proper disability but I am left-handed, sometimes it makes things well annoying.
Best Regards, Paul Spencer
Employer: ADVERTISING STANDARDS AUTHORITY Posted: 25 November 2011 Ref: IEP/Nov11 Location: Holborn Industry: Charities , General , Marketing & PR , Media - Advertising Level: Experienced (non manager) Contract: Permanent Hours: Full Time Salary: £25,500
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THE ADVERTISING STANDARDS AUTHORITY (ASA)
The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) is the UK’s independent regulator of advertising across all media, including TV, internet, sales promotions and direct marketing. Our role is to ensure ads are legal, decent, honest and truthful by applying the Advertising Codes.
We currently have a vacancy for an Investigations Executive.
Investigations Executive permanent full-time (Ref: IEP/Nov11)
Salary £25,500 plus benefits Start date: February 2012
The Investigations Executive role offers real intellectual challenges and personal and professional development. There is rarely a dull moment, with TV, radio, print, poster and online ads to investigate. Your caseload could cover any of the topical issues including food, gambling, alcohol, depiction of women and environmental claims. And you will always be seeking to ensure that ads don’t cause harm, offend or mislead those who see them.
Bring your experience to bear on high profile investigations, driven by your passion to keep advertising respected and advertising standards high. You’ll use your proven analytical skills to make balanced and defensible recommendations to the ASA Council and your powers of negotiation and persuasion to find appropriate case resolutions.
Initially you’ll work closely with your manager but very soon you’ll demonstrate your ability to take much more responsibility for your own caseload, which you’ll keep moving and in line with published targets, dealing with the important issues as a priority but never compromising on quality, accuracy and attention to detail.
If it sounds like the role could be for you, please email your completed application form and CV to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please quote the relevant reference number provided. The closing date for applications is COB on 09 December 2011.
How cool would it be to say I’m an investigations executive?! After 24 years of not really knowing what to with my life, having a cool job title would definitely be a step in the right direction.
As you say this role offers real intellectual challenges; something, I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know, I relish. As is demonstrated in my determination to complete all of the Riddler challenges in Batman: Arkham City, and let me tell you there’s nothing more intellectually challenging than trying to work out those.
As for the personal development, don’t worry I’m pretty well developed, I can cook and clean for myself. To be honest I’m not particularly interested in professional development. I find the professional world, boring, humourless and uptight. It’s only really the challenges I’m interested in, will I unlock achievements on completion of challenges?
I am very excited at the prospect of having a ‘caseload’ it makes me feel like a private eye or something, you’ll be glad to know I have dealt with a number of difficult cases before and been successful in proving my client’s innocence in Phoenix Wright ACE Attorney. Even though I failed a few times I still managed to finish that game, which clearly goes to show my negotiation and persuasion skills. Though I understand this is more of a prosecution role, rest assured I am equally well equipped to deal with this. I am very good at being pedantic and finding even the most trivial things offensive.
The thing is with adverts is that the vast majority of ads are not in any way offensive, the only people that tend to find them offensive are the elderly or uptight and repressed. Having said that when it comes to ads being misleading, I’ll be sure to clamp down on any and every beauty advert; I mean have you seen any of them? They make up chemicals and nutritional information and then have the audacity to give ridiculous statistics like 86% of women out of 146; I mean who polls 146 women? Surely you’d round that up to an even 150, so they clearly deliberately manipulate the numbers to make their statistics seem better than they actually are.
I love that you even make a joke in the application letter, to quote; ‘driven by your passion to keep advertising respected and advertising standards high’. Even reading it back now still cracks me up, I think it’s safe to say we all know that advertising has no respect or standards for itself and rightly we treat it with the contempt it deserves.
Working closely with my manager sounds like a blast too, I do hate working by myself, I get lonely. With me and my manager by my side we’d be like Sharky and George of the advertising world, uncovering the scandals and lies, me as plucky sidekick eventually looking to supersede my manager so that I may one day have my own Padawan.
It definitely sounds like this role is for me and I look forward to investigating with you soon.
Best Regards, Paul Spencer
I love meat. I eat a lot of meat. Breakfast: meat; lunch: meat; dinner yet more meat. You know how we’re meant to have five a day of fruit and veg. I try to have five different types of meat a day. I once tried to make a meat dessert but the resulting pork parfait was not to taste. Now I’m not sure this makes me a specialist quite yet but I should say my Dad was a butcher. Being a Meat specialist is my life’s ambition; getting this position would be a dream come true.
Following Makro and Micro replenishment procedures is one of my favourite activities. I would also love to be given the opportunity to impress customers with my extensive knowledge of meat. For example here is a simple chart I have constructed showing different types of sausage and their main attributes:
This is a brief overview of major types of sausage, obviously as I am working towards becoming a specialist in meat I will have to learn about other types of sausage like battered or Cumberland. In order to help maximise profits and help enhance customer experience I have also constructed a pie chart of prepared responses for those people who do not love meat as much as me (though perhaps a night shift would be more preferable as I often find the general public infuriating).
How to respond When people say they’re vegetarian or
I think you will find these responses to be in line with the professional etiquette expected of such a prestigious institution. Having achieved an A in my maths GCSE I can assure you arranging things chronologically is well within my abilities as is moving inanimate objects, despite my poor performance in my PE GCSE, having received a D, I should have no problem in manoeuvring or displaying pallets, though should you require an interpretive dance I may struggle. Having rarely performed menial tasks I would just like to confirm will you be providing the “temporarily out of stock” sign or should I acquire my own? Also I am ashamed to say I am not familiar with a ‘planogram’, after some quick research it turns out they are just pictures of what a shelf should look like. I am happy to report I am a four counties spot the difference champion and am not hampered by any genetic impairments such as colour-blindness.
Having completed a degree in International Politics I feel this position is the perfect place to put my knowledge to best use and begin my meat career. The trade complexities of meat distribution and associated economic factors are no more present than on the front line of Makro shelves, reducing loss and damage, whilst keeping an awareness of shrinkage are a pure representation of a micro economy within the Makro world.
Reading the application my curiosity was aroused by two similar, related bullet points listed within the job application. The “reporting suspicious acts to management” and “reporting suspicious acts and breaches of security to manager [sic] (e.g. products hidden or out of location)”. Firstly, I would like to correct the point as it should either refer to ‘a manager’ or ‘management’. Secondly, I have no problem with telling on people; I perfected this art during my years at primary school. Finally, what I found most intriguing was the ‘products hidden or out of location’ does the company play hide and seek with stock? I strongly believe this to be a revelatory exercise and a refreshing approach to enhancing staff productivity.
Whilst I must restate my love of meat I fear I may be out of my depth with some of the skills required for this position. I do find it difficult to follow procedures; I always try to question authority and assumed knowledge, doing so creates dialogue which can ultimately provide deeper insights into our understanding of the assumed nature of our place in the work force.
I look forward to meeting you soon (pun definitely intended) should I be given chance to interview.
Best Regards, Paul Spencer
Meat specialist 52250376
Location: Poole (BH17)
Salary: £6 - £6
Job Type: Permanent
Reference : RetailChoice/STSW1055
Date posted : 03/12/2011 12:40:04
Job Description : Job Purpose
To replenish stock, implement stock control routines in accordance with Makro procedures and to provide a high standard of customer service. Ensuring that you meet the needs of all our customers through superb availability.
Working with your colleagues you strive to exceed your customers expectations every time
Key Responsibilities & Accountabilities
You are to ensure that you maximize sales and profit at every opportunity.
Delivering high standards of stock presentation and housekeeping, ensuring that correct pricing is shown every time supported with accurate signage in line with company standards
Responsible for providing a high standard of customer service by (not applicable for nightshift):
Being knowledgeable and polite in responding to customer queries and complaints in person or by telephone and by referring complex situations to someone who can help
Advising customers in a professional and efficient manner
Processing customer purchases as required
Responsible for merchandising stock to meet Company standards by:
Using planograms to display goods
Rotating stock checking use by/sell by dates
Labelling pallets with date last worked
Stacking within safety limits
Lifting stock correctly
Displaying a pallet
Use of gap zap/not sold list
Ensuring correct use of the stock location system
Responsible for ensuring that all merchandise is displayed at the correct price by:
Ensuring Shelf Edge Tickets relate to product on display
Using “temporarily out of stock” apology signs to keep customers informed
Merchandising to company standards
Responsible for controlling shrinkage by correctly implementing store and company procedures.
Reducing loss and damage, by ensuring that stock is correctly rotated, due diligence procedures followed, damages are dealt with effectively, stock counts are completed accurately, discrepancies are investigated and remedial action is taken:
Removing damaged packs, re-packs/re-prices/isolate stock for return to supplier as appropriate
Completing documentation recording adjustments/returns/write offs in line with company policy
Reporting any suspicious act to management
Reporting any suspicious acts and breaches of security to Manager (e.g. products hidden or out of location)
Ensure correct procedures are followed regarding security of building
Responsible for maintaining good housekeeping standards by:
Maintaining a clean and tidy area
Ensuring cardboard/packaging is safely stacked and recycled in line with company expectations
Ensuring pallet trucks are not left unattended on the sales floor
Responsible for following due diligence procedures by:
Use by /sell by date
Security of high value products
Responsible for adhering to Health and Safety requirements both Company and statutory by: ·
Reporting any potential hazard to the Manager
Using your common sense and dealing with situations as and when they arise in a competent way.
Lifting products only within own capabilities
Not using any dangerous machinery unless fully trained to do so i.e. hand-dogs, electric dogs, forklift trucks, wave machine, wrapping machine, banding machine, cardboard bailing and waste compactor
Not cleaning any machinery unless trained to do so and ensures that all power is disconnected.
Reporting any malfunction of machinery
Using only authorised cleaning products
Using ladders safely
No one under the age of eighteen is allowed to use or clean dangerous machinery.
Through leading by example you champion Equality and Diversity within your area
Skills & Experience
Ability to follow procedures
Sound product knowledge
Ability to assess hazards and potential risks within the work area and to take action to reduce this.
Should have experience in a fast moving retail/wholesale business
Should have practical experience of working in an replenishment department
Should have sound knowledge of dry/non food products
You ask the question ‘Do I have what it takes to join the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland?’ I can honestly answer a resounding, maybe. In truth I’m not a hundred percent sure what a conservatoire is, is it like a fancy conservatory? If it is then I’m definitely down with that. If it’s something to do with the Conservative Party then I don’t have what it takes, I’m not rich enough, nor do I have an artificially inflated sense of self grandeur. But given that this is Scotland I doubt it has much to do with the Conservatives.
To say that I am excited about this exciting opportunity is an understatement. Having a degree and completed a PGCE I have plenty of experience in teaching and learning and the specific nature of lectures. My plan is if we can make the lectures first thing on a Monday morning, we can limit the amount of students that will turn up. For those that do turn up I’ll be sure to create a really overly detailed powerpoint so they’re not sure whether to listen to me or read the powerpoint and end up doing neither. Also if it’s possible to make the Monday morning lecture a double that way we can ensure the minimum number of students and those that do attend won’t remember anything, thus ensuring everyone is on an even playing field.
When it comes to powerpoint I’m telling you I have next level skills, I’ll have star swipes, sound effects, explosions, best of all I even have my own clicker thing to change slides, plus it has a laser pointer on it so I can blind any remaining students that haven’t fallen asleep.
I am aware that my degree in international politics might not seem like the relevant subject area for a lecturer in musical theatre and dance, but isn’t dance just an expression of sexual politics? And I am most certainly sexual. When it comes to musical theatre I’m not really a fan. I own three musicals on DVD: Dancer in the Dark, Little Shop of Horrors and The Rocky Horror Picture Show (though I seem to have misplaced it). As most lecturers tend to base their courses on whatever book they’ve written I don’t see why I can’t base my module on those three films, after all they’re pretty ace, have you seen them?
In order to demonstrate knowledge of current professional dance practice I am willing to watch Strictly Come Dancing, but I can’t promise I’ll enjoy it. The old dude does my head in but Cat Deeley is hot, which might get me through it. Anything else I’m sure I can pick up on YouTube, if you give me a structure of what I’ll need to teach I can just copy and paste the topic from Wikipedia and throw in a few videos from YouTube, job done.
If you have any doubts about my dancing ability I will be more than happy to compete in a dance off. I look forward to dancing and singing with you soon.
Best Regards, Paul Spencer
When I first read the title of this job I’ll admit I did jump to conclusions; surgical implants = boobs. I love boobs. However after reading the rest of the job description, and Googling urology, I realised it was for penis enlargements. I do not love penis.
Undeterred I still think this is the perfect job for me. As you say you are a company committed to ‘development of their employees’ and going through an ‘exciting growth phase’. I can only assume from this that you are going to give me a penis enlargement and in fact the entire company is having penis enlargements. I applaud this decision. As a man with penis on the smaller side what better way to encourage sales than by having your sales people have the product on show.
I am a rubbish salesman, the only way I can really get behind a product is if I believe in it and if you were to enlarge my penis, I would definitely be committed to ‘pushing’ the product. What better way to convince the unsure than to unleash my very own tree trunk of manhood. Having said that I did watch a documentary once about this guy with the biggest penis in the world and he was not happy. He could wrap his penis round his arm but couldn’t be taken seriously as an actor, for shame.
Your company also specialises in male pelvic health devices, which as luck would have it works perfectly with my skill set, I’ve seen the Rocky Horror show times and I have the Time Warp nailed, especially the pelvic thrust bit.
When it comes to having any of the sales specialist knowledge or experience you’re looking for, I have none. I think you’ll struggle to find someone that has a proven track record of success in medical device sales, if Will Smith struggled to sell those portable X-Ray things, I’ve got no chance, and he didn’t even want to be a salesman; he was just doing it so he could get another job, mental.
Again I’m sad to say that I have no experience with managing Kings Of Leon, I do own a couple of their albums, maybe that counts as developing a relationship with KOL’s; either way Sex On Fire was well overplayed and that put me right off them.
You mention the role will be selling across the entire portfolio specifically innovative medical laser technology and urology implants. Surely you haven’t combined the two?? A penis that fires lasers!! It’s like all my Christmases come at once! With my new laser penis I’ll have no problem in targeting accounts.
I look forward to receiving my new massive laser penis and teaching you the Time Warp. And don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve dropped in the bit about being an in theatre role at the bottom there. I’m not much of a thespian but I’ll be more than willing to give it a shot, especially with the new found confidence my enhanced manhood will provide.
Best Regards, Paul Spencer