I Can Has Job

Hello lovely people at AXA Sunlife,

I well remember your adverts with that old bird in constant rotation on mid-morning television, you know your demographic, so ingrained is it in to my consciousness that I’ll at least 30% sure I could recite it word for word.

I must say the term ‘life market’ strikes me as one of the most unsettling terms I have ever read. By saying that there is a life market implies that you’re marketing to anyone living, which essentially you are. But seriously that’s insane, only the human race could come up with a concept so far removed from any essence of living.

The first thing that struck me about this position was the phase, in bold, ‘fixed term contract’, as the company that holds the largest share of the over 50 ‘life market’ you are clearly well aware of how this fragile mortal coil has a predisposition for death. By chance is the term of the contract fixed to the life of the successful applicant?

The person that wrote the job posting seems to have gone a little bit insane as I have no idea what the role actually entails, given that, I am even more assured that I am far outreaching any initial expectations you have of the successful applicant. I would like to draw your attention to a few of my favourite words and phrases from the ‘description’ of the role.

Modelling – not something I’ve been asked to do before but I can show you a few faces I’ve been working on that I’m sure would work well in a multitude of marketing campaigns.

Research and competitor intelligence to drive marketing communications strategies and targeting to increase average product holding – that right there is a mouth full, I’ve seen full job descriptions entailing less work than that. Given that this is just one aspect of this role one would assume you are also looking for a candidate with the powers to bend time and space. Whilst I unfortunately do not possess such powers, I have been working on a device that would enable time travelling of sorts. It’s based on a unique combination of a Toblerone, a wheelie-bin and several bottles of red wine. I think what you’re trying to get at here is that you want the person to be a spy in order to get competitor intelligence. Whilst I have little formal experience with espionage I have placed an advert on Craig’s List and had a number of successful investigations, mostly involving spouses suspecting each other of cheating and a lot of getting stoned, my rates are very reasonable.

Customer retention – what struck me about this was my surprise at its’ inclusion; given that your target demographic is the mentally infirm, I would assumed you would have little problem in ensuring their commitment to something they can barely remember. If this is a serious issue rest assured I will focus on a calling potential customers pre-medication, when they are at their least mentally stable and when they are alone and vulnerable, there’s nothing like having pesky grandchildren showing them ‘logic’.

Drive systems – how fun does that sound? Driving around with systems, like a massive carnival float, preying on the elderly.

Influencing customer focused outcomes – in my mind the outcome should always focus on the customer; focusing on getting more money out of the customer.

When it comes to skills, knowledge and behaviour, I have none. I’m like an empty bottle waiting to be filled with that sweet, sweet honey. My experience with ‘direct marketing’ or ‘spam’ as I like to call it, extends to putting it in the recycling or making it into origami penguins. My knowledge of complex segmentation extends to, but not limited by, Terry’s ‘Segsastions’ they are a complex optimisation tool if ever I have seen one.

I tried to read one of Derren Brown’s books once to learn how to influence people but I bought Dan Brown by mistake, needless to say that’s a week of my life I’m never getting back. I do love analytics; anything if shown in graph form is instantly more interesting. Just look at this bad boy:

As for proven leadership skills, I think you’ll find the fact that I unlocked the achievement for MVP on Battlefield 3 as proof enough; in fact I would generally use this as proof of most of the skills you’re looking for. Cross functional team working, sniper and an engineer, done. Confident decision maker, ‘kill them all!’; Results driven, check the leader board with each respawn, done.

I’m thrilled that you feel that you need to provide me incentives and bonuses for this role, I mean given what I’m bringing to the table I think that’s only fair. 

Well let me tell you it was tough enough just to on to your website, it just kept crashing, if that was the first part of the test consider it passed ;).

I would love to work for MI5 and be a bad ass spy. Terrorism, espionage and sabotage are my favourite things, not to do obviously, unless you want me to. Looking at my CV you may wonder what the hell I’m doing applying for a job as an explosives/IED specialist; truth is I just think stuff exploding is pretty cool. I wouldn’t say that makes me a specialist but with my work ethic and determination I could be in a week, maybe two.

I wouldn’t say I’m a professional explosives or ammunition, but then who is? That just doesn’t make sense. Any bombs or stuff you want me to check out I can do a quick Google of. In that respect I guess I’m more of what you’d call a ‘generalist’ rather than a specialist, unless that is something to do with being a general, something I am not nor have I ever been.

Happily one of the things I’m well good at is analysing intelligence, I can look at someone and within a good 10-12 seconds know if they’re retarded or not. Making things coherent may be a bit trickier as I myself am pretty scatter brained. I shouldn’t worry too much about the non-technical colleagues, by which I take it to be a euphemism for old people, they’ll be dead soon. I have been told on a number of occasions that my oral skills are exceptional and I have no problem in whipping up a quick powerpoint.  

Spot the difference on diagrams of circuits is not something I’ve done, normally I tend to stick to erotic spot the difference, but whatever floats your boat. Having played a bunch of battlefield 3 I should be pretty well versed at identifying military and commercial small arms, providing they’re either American or Russia, anything else and I’m at a loss.

That seems to cover the main skills you’re looking for, as for the person, that’d be me. Luckily I don’t come from a military background nor hold any qualification in ammunition or explosives. There is no way I have 10 years’ experience, if that were the case I’d have had to start disarming bombs at 14, I couldn’t even manage to get a paper round let alone put my life at risk for under a fiver an hour. Also I haven’t worked in an intelligence-driven environment; most of the people I’ve worked for have been morons. If anything I’ve worked in stupidity-driven environments. Personally I think that makes me more qualified to have come through those organisations unscathed.

If I’m to be on an on-call rota the only way I’ll do it is if I have a special little phone that when it rings plays Kings Of Leon ‘On Call’ or Blondie’s ‘Call Me’, it can switch between the two that’s fine. I must say I am a bit of a loss as to how one remains enthusiastic and remain calm, when I get excited I go all high-pitched and gesticulate a lot.

And as for the guaranteed interview thing for being disabled, I don’t have a proper disability but I am left-handed, sometimes it makes things well annoying.

Best Regards, Paul Spencer

How cool would it be to say I’m an investigations executive?! After 24 years of not really knowing what to with my life, having a cool job title would definitely be a step in the right direction.

As you say this role offers real intellectual challenges; something, I’m sure you’ll be delighted to know, I relish. As is demonstrated in my determination to complete all of the Riddler challenges in Batman: Arkham City, and let me tell you there’s nothing more intellectually challenging than trying to work out those.

As for the personal development, don’t worry I’m pretty well developed, I can cook and clean for myself. To be honest I’m not particularly interested in professional development. I find the professional world, boring, humourless and uptight. It’s only really the challenges I’m interested in, will I unlock achievements on completion of challenges?

I am very excited at the prospect of having a ‘caseload’ it makes me feel like a private eye or something, you’ll be glad to know I have dealt with a number of difficult cases before and been successful in proving my client’s innocence in Phoenix Wright ACE Attorney. Even though I failed a few times I still managed to finish that game, which clearly goes to show my negotiation and persuasion skills. Though I understand this is more of a prosecution role, rest assured I am equally well equipped to deal with this. I am very good at being pedantic and finding even the most trivial things offensive.

The thing is with adverts is that the vast majority of ads are not in any way offensive, the only people that tend to find them offensive are the elderly or uptight and repressed. Having said that when it comes to ads being misleading, I’ll be sure to clamp down on any and every beauty advert; I mean have you seen any of them? They make up chemicals and nutritional information and then have the audacity to give ridiculous statistics like 86% of women out of 146; I mean who polls 146 women? Surely you’d round that up to an even 150, so they clearly deliberately manipulate the numbers to make their statistics seem better than they actually are.

I love that you even make a joke in the application letter, to quote; ‘driven by your passion to keep advertising respected and advertising standards high’. Even reading it back now still cracks me up, I think it’s safe to say we all know that advertising has no respect or standards for itself and rightly we treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Working closely with my manager sounds like a blast too, I do hate working by myself, I get lonely. With me and my manager by my side we’d be like Sharky and George of the advertising world, uncovering the scandals and lies, me as plucky sidekick eventually looking to supersede my manager so that I may one day have my own Padawan.

It definitely sounds like this role is for me and I look forward to investigating with you soon.

Best Regards, Paul Spencer

I love meat. I eat a lot of meat. Breakfast: meat; lunch: meat; dinner yet more meat. You know how we’re meant to have five a day of fruit and veg. I try to have five different types of meat a day. I once tried to make a meat dessert but the resulting pork parfait was not to taste. Now I’m not sure this makes me a specialist quite yet but I should say my Dad was a butcher. Being a Meat specialist is my life’s ambition; getting this position would be a dream come true.

Following Makro and Micro replenishment procedures is one of my favourite activities. I would also love to be given the opportunity to impress customers with my extensive knowledge of meat.  For example here is a simple chart I have constructed showing different types of sausage and their main attributes:

• Polish Sausage
• Fresh
• Pork, beef, garlic, thyme or marjoram, pork fat, pepper
• Steam, Fry, Grill, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Kielbasa
• Fresh, Smoked
• Beef, pork, garlic, pork or beef fat, mustard
• Steam, Fry, Grill, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Bratwurst
• Fresh, sometimes smoked and cooked
• Pork or beef, veal, dry milk, onion, garlic, coriander, caraway, nutmeg
• Steam, Fry, Grill, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Salami
• Dry, Cured
• Highly seasoned: garlic, salt, pepper, sugar
• Ready to eat

• Sweet or Hot Italian
• Fresh
• Sweet: garlic, sugar, anise, and fennel
• Hot: paprika, chile peppers, onion, garlic, fennel, parsley
• Steam, Fry, Grill, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Cervelat or Summer Sausage
• Cured, Smoked, Semi-Dry
• Pork, beef, garlic, mustard, mild spices
• Ready to eat

• Andouille
• Smoked
• Pork, salt, very spicy, sugar, paprika, red pepper, garlic, sage
• Ready to eat

• Boudin Blanc
• Fresh, delicate
• Pork, fat, eggs, cream, bread crumbs, seasonings
• Gently saute

• Braunschweiger
• Precooked, smoked
• Smoked liver, eggs, milk
• Ready to eat; spreadable

• Boudin Noir
• Precooked
• Pig’s blood, suet, bread crumbs
• Ready to eat; better sauteed

• Knackwurst
• Precooked, Smoked
• Beef, pork, lots of garlic, cumin
• Ready to eat

• Linguica
• Cured, Smoked
• Pork butt, lots of garlic, cumin, cinnamon, vinegar
• Usually ready to eat

• Pepperoni (who knew?)
• Air-dried
• Pork, beef, lots of black and red pepper
• Usually ready to eat

• Chorizo
• Dry, Smoked
• Pork, cilantro, paprika, garlic, chili powder, very spicy
• Usually ready to eat 

• Mortadella
• Semi-Dry, Smoked
• Cubes of pork fat, pork, beef, peppercorns, garlic, anise
• Steam, Fry, Grill, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Hot Dogs
• Cooked, Smoked, Cured
• Cured beef and pork, garlic, salt, sugar, mustard, pepper
• Ready to eat

• Bockwurst
• Fresh
• Veal, pork, milk, chives, eggs
• Steam, Saute, Bake to 155 degrees F

• Bologna
• Cooked, Smoked
• Cured beef and pork, garlic, salt
• Ready to eat

This is a brief overview of major types of sausage, obviously as I am working towards becoming a specialist in meat I will have to learn about other types of sausage like battered or Cumberland. In order to help maximise profits and help enhance customer experience I have also constructed a pie chart of prepared responses for those people who do not love meat as much as me  (though perhaps a night shift would be more preferable as I often find the general public infuriating).

I think you will find these responses to be in line with the professional etiquette expected of such a prestigious institution. Having achieved an A in my maths GCSE I can assure you arranging things chronologically is well within my abilities as is moving inanimate objects, despite my poor performance in my PE GCSE, having received a D, I should have no problem in manoeuvring or displaying pallets, though should you require an interpretive dance I may struggle. Having rarely performed menial tasks I would just like to confirm will you be providing the “temporarily out of stock” sign or should I acquire my own? Also I am ashamed to say I am not familiar with a ‘planogram’, after some quick research it turns out they are just pictures of what a shelf should look like. I am happy to report I am a four counties spot the difference champion and am not hampered by any genetic impairments such as colour-blindness.

Having completed a degree in International Politics I feel this position is the perfect place to put my knowledge to best use and begin my meat career. The trade complexities of meat distribution and associated economic factors are no more present than on the front line of Makro shelves, reducing loss and damage, whilst keeping an awareness of shrinkage are a pure representation of a micro economy within the Makro world.

Reading the application my curiosity was aroused by two similar, related bullet points listed within the job application. The “reporting suspicious acts to management” and “reporting suspicious acts and breaches of security to manager [sic] (e.g. products hidden or out of location)”. Firstly, I would like to correct the point as it should either refer to ‘a manager’ or ‘management’.  Secondly, I have no problem with telling on people; I perfected this art during my years at primary school. Finally, what I found most intriguing was the ‘products hidden or out of location’ does the company play hide and seek with stock? I strongly believe this to be a revelatory exercise and a refreshing approach to enhancing staff productivity. 

Whilst I must restate my love of meat I fear I may be out of my depth with some of the skills required for this position. I do find it difficult to follow procedures; I always try to question authority and assumed knowledge, doing so creates dialogue which can ultimately provide deeper insights into our understanding of the assumed nature of our place in the work force.

I look forward to meeting you soon (pun definitely intended) should I be given chance to interview.

Best Regards, Paul Spencer